By Levi Quackenboss
We’re all super excited about the recent media blitz for adult vaccinations over here at LQ headquarters. It’s about time! What’s the point in being a pro-vaccine warrior when your entire front line is made of babies?
Nothing spells the end of vaccine injury denialism like 20% of adults developing out-of-the-blue food allergies, epilepsy, Type 1 diabetes and “early onset” Alzheimers.
In an effort to be as helpful as possible, though, I’d like to point out that even adults who keep up with their current schedule aren’t getting vaccinated enough. It’s only fair that we adjust vaccine dosing to keep the ingredients proportionate to each patient’s weight, just as we do for children’s antibiotic or pain reliever.
Since the 2005 piece in the Journal of American Veterinary Medical Association about the increased dangers of vaccinating dogs with lower body weights didn’t wake anyone up, then the least we can do is raise the vaccine quota for grownups.
Let’s start with scary influenza. The Flulaval vaccine is approved for 6 month old babies who, on average, weigh 16 pounds, but it’s also approved for adults. The wonderful thing about Flulaval is that not only has the FDA approved it for children up to eight years old, but they got approval for two full doses at least four weeks apart. So good you give it twice.
Since the average American woman weighs 166 pounds, we’re going to need every adult female to get 20 Flulaval shots this season. Feel free to take them in 2 sets of 10, spaced 4 weeks apart. You will be taking in 20 times the amount of formaldehyde, known to cause cancer, and 20 times the amount of polysorbate 80, which opens the blood brain barrier to bacteria, viruses (including the four strains of the flu in the vaccine), and of course, the half milligram of mercury that comes in four full Flulaval vials.
I’m sure you understand that this is only fair. If 2 Flulaval are great for a baby, 20 are even better for you. Together we can fight the flu, and your role in taking 20 flu vaccines every September is critical in reaching our goal.